Last time on Star Cats:
--Planet 1-Gr3-(1840)-D Part 1
Captains Log: We have just discovered a new planet on our trip back to Earth. We decided to investigate it. If all goes according to plan, my superiors might let us have a vacation on “Planet Shtankadoodle” Er...I mean Planet 1-Gr3-(1840)-D.
I have decided to send a couple of ensigns down to the planet to see if it's safe for me to go down. This will be a valuable lesson for them and will put some of their training to the test. I have told them not to communicate me unless absolutely necessary. They will be down there for four weeks.
"Alright!" Ensign Meow Meow (a.k.a. Ensign Mew Mew) declared,"I'm hungry, I'm not very happy, and I'm going after that Ocee Monster! It should feed all of us for at least three days!" He looked around and snatched his light zapper,"Anyone with me?" All the smiles on the Ensigns faces changed to gloom. Ensign Spot looked around one more time. No one raised there paws.
“Okay, then I’m going myself!” He declared, and with that, he was gone.
“Where’s Ensign Mew-Mew?” Ensign Spot asked once the medics had arrived and ushered Ensign Lucky off to sickbay.
“We haven’t gotten a lock on him yet…No life signs are appearing on scanners. We’d like you to fill out a report about the plant and animal life, living conditions and other things down there so we can estimate how hard it would be to survive down there, Sir.” The transporter operator gave him a tablet to write it all down.
He whirled around in time to see his poofy, lazy, grey furred, captain, leap out of the swirling blue and green vortex on top of him. His paw muffled Ensign Meow-Meow.
“You made a bad decision. You thought no one would notice. But someone did, many did, you are the one responsible for so many deaths.”
"Wait, Bert? Bert? BERT?" Captain Shtankadoodle stood wide eyed and speechless.
"Who's Bert?" Ensign Mew Mew asked, turning to his silent captain.
"He's a president of the scattered Association in my time," Captain Shtankadoodle said slowly. He turned to his Ensign, "He's our problem. He's apparently a time traveler."
And now, the continuation.
“What do we do now?” Ensign Mew Mew wonders aloud as we retreat backwards so that Bert can't see us.
“We have to get back to the future or the current time…or maybe the past?” I Captain Shtankadoodle respond,“I don’t know, because it might be the past since I came back to the past, or your current time creating the future for you into the past for me because MY current time would actually be the past because I was already there-” Ensign Mew Mew interrupts my nonstop babbling. Which maybe I should have thanked him for, because I’d be totally confused if he let me go on any longer.
“I get it. I’m more interested in getting to the future in the first place though. My question is: How do we do that?” Ensign Mew Mew asks me. His round, dark, kitty eyes lock onto mine (which is kind of intimidating, but I don’t let anybody know that).
“Well, thanks to this awesome digital thinger on my arm here,” I am quick to point out (my newly equipped) flashy, clear watch looking thing on my arm. I really never did take the time to learn it’s name…it might have begun with an 'A' though…or maybe an ‘H'. I continue my sentence, “We can send a message to Subcommander Ocee in your future, who is actually monitoring my trip, and she can pull us into the current time or your future, or my past, or my current time, or whatever you want to call it,” I get ready to press the big clear flashy button on my arm. Ensign Mew Mew interrupts the suspension.
“Wait! One last question...,” Ensign Mew Mew looks at me directly in the face (again), “Why is it flashing like that?” I look at my Ensign blankly. He still waits for answer. I look at him stupidly. He doesn’t flinch. Finally, I give in.
“Duh! It’s the future! It is THE TIME for useless lights and stuff to make things look cool. Who doesn’t know that?” I answer. Ensign Mew Mew is silent. "That’s because he doesn’t understand the future and the rope lights and stuff," I think to myself as I get prepared to press the clear, flashy button again. Ensign Mew Mew pinches his nose. “Hey! Cut that out! It’s not like I fart on you every time I press a button!” I shout, but my words are lost in time before anybody, even myself could hear them. Then I was home. Back home, back with Subcommander Ocee and everything else I was familiar with.
“Wow! Gees, that was quick! Good job, Subcommander Ocee.” Ensign Mew Mew remarks as he looks around at the rope lights, and the clear flashy room I call home, “Gosh, there’s a lot of ‘future' in your home, Captain”. Ensign Mew Mew mumbles under his breath, as if it never was really meant to be heard by me.
“Actually, it’s been 3.200134 millennium since you sent out your beacon. Of course this machine located the signal which took that long to reach it, and sent us to this time. I would have already been dead by the time the signal reached this machine. You should really be thanking it.” Ensign Mew Mew is quiet. You really don’t know how to respond when Subcommander Ocee says something like that.
“No time for that now, Subcommander, I need you to send me to last week—Admiral Bert’s closet.” I command.
“Alright…,” Subcommander Ocee had seen weirder things before, but she was still curious as to where her captain was going, “3…2…1…0!”
“Captain, my eyes hurt!” Ensign Mew Mew complains.
“Don’t be a baby! The Romugrowls just radiated this planet. I-er the past me, have been sent to the medical camps around here to help it. I believe it was a decoy all along now that I think about it though. Oh well, don’t be surprised if you grow another paw or something,” I say. Seeing Ensign Mew Mew’s terrified face made lying to him worth it. Pounding footsteps up the stairs startled me. “Shh! It’s him!” I whisper, crouching behind the uniforms Bert had in his closet. Through a hole in the closet door I could see Bert with a duffel bag resting on his shoulder. I squinch my eyes to make out any more, but seeing through a tiny hole is pretty tough.
“Well, that was easy!” Admiral Bert declares as he drops his duffel bag to the ground and pulls out some pickles from the fridge. Who knew cat’s eat pickles anyway?
“What was easy?” An Ensign Mew Mew sounding voice emanates from the closet. Ensign Mew Mew clasps his paws over his mouth. My eyes get large as I see Admiral Bert tensen up through the hole I was looking through.
“Who said that?”Admiral Bert stands up on his paws.
“It wasn’t me and the noise didn’t come from the closet…um, er…it came from your fridge.” Ensign Mew Mew says. It was at that moment I realized for the first time how dumb my Ensign could be in tight situations. Bert nears the closet. My pulse stops. Silence…Suspension......
“HIDE!” I shout grabbing my all purpose Zapper from my pocket and pressing my furry body against the back wall. i couldn't take any more of the suspension. Bert yanks open the closet doors. Now that I think about it, maybe shouting “Hide”, wasn’t such a good idea.
“Captain, eh?” Bert snickers, and then begins to laugh, “Thought I lost you. Well, well, you’re too late anyway because,” He smiles, “There isn’t a thing you can do to stop me from going into the past.”, Admiral Bert says yanking Ensign Mew Mew and I onto the floor outside the closet.
“Guards!! I need some…assistance.” Bert called, and at his beckon, one burly cat came.
“Oh, please? Are you trying to let us escaaaaaa-,” Before I could finish my sentence three more arrived and began to bind me up. Maybe I spoke a little to soon. Bert laughed his sinister laugh again, which is actually more of a cackle. How many times can this guy laugh like this anyway? At least that is what I’m thinking right now. Bert pulls his guards to the side and starts to whisper some plans to them.
“Captain, if we can’t stop Bert like we planned, we’ll create a time loop! We need to do something now!” my Ensign whispered. Admiral Bert was still talking to his guards. I fervantly tried to come up with a plan. Ensign Mew Mew has a panicked expression on his face.
“Captain,” he whispers to me, “I didn't realize it until now....but I need to go to the bathroom BAAADDD!”
“I knew I could count on you! That’s a marvelous idea!” I cheer, patting my brilliant, young Ensign on the shoulder. he really was quite the bright young lad wasn't he?
“Admiral Beeeerrrrrtt…,” I moan painfully. He turns his head to look at me, “I HAVE to go to the bathroom…BAAADDD. I need to go NOW.”
“I have to, too! It’s killing me. I could literally do it in my pants, right now,” Ensign Mew Mew follows up. He really was good at acting this. Bert grumbles.
“Did you know that cats can hallucinate when they hold it in too long?” I asked Admiral Bert.
“Hey there’s a pink pony drinking ketchup!” Ensign Mew Mew points to air dizzily, on cue.
“Fine. Escort them to the bathroom,” Admiral Bert says rolling his eyes. All four burly guards bumble down the hallway holding us by the tail. They were huge, too. They must have been of the Maine Coon breed because I had never seen a cat as big as them before. They unbind us and toss us into the bathroom. I look upwards..... if all was well…Yes! There were conveniently exposed rafters up in the ceiling.
“Come on Mew Mew!” I say, delightedly, as I begin to climb up into the rafters. ‘Flush’.
“Alright, Captain,” Ensign Mew Mew follows me and clambers up the (conveniently stone) wall into the rafters.
“Alright, Boss says it’s been too long. We’re coming in.” The guards bumble around the bathroom like a bunch of dummies. They don’t look upwards. There must be something up with that anyway, I mean every movie I’ve ever watched, the guards NEVER look up.
“Definitely something to think about, anyway,” I tell myself. The guards file out of the bathroom.
“Admiral Bert, they’re gone. They left.” the foolish guards explain. I hear a sinister laugh follow that statement and then a 'What? Woah!". But seriously, who can laugh that much anyway?
“Come on Mew Mew, let’s go, something tells me that Bert is going to do a more thorough search than those guards.” We creep out of the bathroom and down the hallway. Silently we sneak down the poorl lit mansion hallway. I feel like I'm in a movie or a book or something, and I'm the good super hero guy. We're about to round the bend when we hear snickering from around the corner. Okay, now I'm seriously thinking that Admiral Bert has asthma or something.
“Well Well,” Bert pulls out his light-zapper, and points it directly at me and my Ensign, “You'll have to sit down where you are!” he barks. Ensign Mew Mew and I sit down. There was really nothing else we could do at that moment, “Aren’t so wise now, eh?” Bert smiles. There was just one thing left to do. The only thing a fuzzy fur ball could think about.
“Actually, I am!” I quickly press a button on my clear flashy watch thinger. If all went correctly, then that should warp Subcommander Ocee, herself, into this time zone. I cover my ears, Admiral Bert ducks...A holographic dancing banana with a top hat and cane shines out of the watch.
“I love bananas! We love bananas! I love bananas!” it begins to sing and dance.
“Ehhh..?” Bert squinches up his eyes in confusion. He stands back up from ducking, “This is your wise guy plan?” I bite my lip. Wrong button. What fool put that button on there anyway? There was only one thing left to do… I press the last button on my watch. Admiral Bert Didn't duck, I didn't cover my ears. Subcommander Ocee appears in front of Bert. I was hoping that she would (conveniently) appear behind him and like stun him or something with her Ocicat neck pinch, Oh well.
“Turn around and stun him!” I shout. Subcommander Ocee whirls around. KA-POW…………………….Silence. Or not quite.
“I love bananas! We love bananas!” Okay, that is actually pretty annoying. Like really annoying, actually that's is probably more annoying than Admiral Bert's asthma cackle.
“TURN IT OFF!” Ensign Mew Mew pleads. I (eagerly) do just that. I turn my head towards Subcommander Ocee.
“Good job, Subcommander Ocee! You know, I actually expected you to do your neck pinch thing, not sock him in the face, but whatever works, I guess,” I congratulate her.
“Well, that was only logical thing I could think of under those circumstances, because the chances of being able to successfully do my ‘neck pinch thing’ were 53,630,35 to 1.” We laugh. A good laugh too, not a weird sinister laugh.
“Well, Ensign Mew Mew, you’re in my current time, and have been a good officer, we’ll find a way to deal with Bert, for now we’re going to send you back to your right time.”
That’s the last thing Ensign Mew Mew remembered before he was warped to the past, or his current time. He looked at his hands. Inside them they clutched a little glass tube full of blue potion. He walks down the long hallway and into the living room. Bert isn’t there.
“Messa Ylakne, take this. It will help you heal properly, and everybody else who ever needs it. Study it and learn from it. And we probably,...no, we WILL meet again some time.” The warm smile Messa Ylakne returned was payment enough, but she insisted that Ensign Mew Mew take some soft chewy, ginger tasting cookies with him before he left.
“Ensign Mew Mew! We’re so glad to have you back! Ensign Spot was worried sick about you! You’re just in time for the return party Captain Shtankadoodle is hosting, and Admiral Meowsers is here too!” Ensign Lucky squealed as she embraced Ensign Mew Mew. He was still a little shocked by the day’s happenings, “Come into the cafeteria, everything set up!” Ensign Lucky led Ensign Mew Mew by paw into the cafeteria. Balloons, lights, fancy fuzzy drinks, ribbons, and presents lay everywhere.
“I’m so so glad you're safe, Ensign Mew Mew, with Ensign Spots' report I thought you might be eaten by the,” the past me my voice, “Ocee monster, was it?” Ensign Mew Mew turned pink slightly and turned his head down. “Don’t worry, Ensign Spot only told me....it’s alright!” I laugh, my ensigns did have a good sense of humor, didn’t they? We enjoyed the festivities and were in the middle of learning about some weirdo named “Messa Ylakne” when a voice from the microphone boomed my name. I came up onto stage a little nervously.
“Thanks to this marvelous, captain who helped with the treaty of——blab blab blab,"
Okay I know what I helped with, cut to the chase....
“——blab blab blab—————blab blab blab------Since you and your group have gathered the most information on this planet ever, then,” Admiral Meowsers smiled with a twinkle in his eye, “we have dedicated the name of this planet to you, no longer is it Planet 1-Gr3-(1840)-D. It is now: Planet Shtankadoodle!”
I, Captain Shtankadoodle, feel like crying. This is awesome. How many captains get an entire planet named after them anyway?
Ensign Mew Mew walked back to his room with a fizzy drink in hand, the festivities were great, seeing nearly all the ensigns apologize to him for being so mean was especially great, but he was still having trouble taking in everything that had happened that day. No one knew about the time travel, that was his little promise to himself he intended to keep. Some pounding down the corridor back to his room came from behind him and shook him out of his thoughts. Ensign Mew Mew turned around nearly dropping his fizzy drink.
“Ensign Mew Mew, Thank you…from saving us from Admiral Bert. Thank you” Admiral Meowsers shook Ensign Mew Mew’s paw and quietly walked away.